How to Ask a Friend or Family Member to Pay Back Money: A Friendly Letter That Keeps the Friendship

The best way to ask a friend or family member to pay back money is a short, kind message in writing that says how much you lent, what has been repaid, what is left and one simple way to repay it, such as a date or small instalments. A friendly written request can settle it, keep the friendship and give you a clear record if you ever need one.

Claim Done drafts a friendly request to repay a loan from your answers for a flat A$29. You choose a friendly or firm tone, read it first, then send it yourself or have it emailed for you.

When a friendly request is the right first step

A friendly request suits money you lent to a friend, relative, former partner or workmate where you still want things to stay good between you. It fits when they have gone quiet or paid a little and stopped.

It is worth starting gently. Legal Aid NSW points out that the other person may have forgotten, may not have realised they owed you, or there may be a misunderstanding. A calm letter that clearly sets out the numbers can help with all three.

South Australia’s Legal Services Commission says in its guide to recovering a debt that most debts can be settled if both people stay courteous and reasonable. Its first written step is a “letter of request”, not a demand.

One case where you should stop: if there is a court order, police order or intervention order that stops you contacting the person. Do not write to them. Legal Aid NSW warns that contacting someone protected by an apprehended violence order may breach it, and says to get legal advice first.

Before you write: gather what you have

Pull together anything that shows the loan. The SA guide suggests keeping copies of emails, letters, text messages, bank records and any written agreement that show the amount and when and why it was lent.

• The bank transfer or receipt showing the money leaving your account.
• Messages where the loan or repaying it was mentioned.
• Each repayment so far, with its date and amount.

If the deal was only spoken, the SA guide says you would have to rely on your own account of it if it ever went to court, so write down what you remember as soon as you can.

What the letter should say

Keep it short and plain. A good request covers:

1. The loan. When you lent it, how much and how (for example a bank transfer).
2. What was agreed. Only what was actually said about repaying. If nothing was agreed, do not invent a deadline after the fact.
3. What has come back. Thank them for each payment, with its amount and date.
4. What is left. The exact balance: total lent minus total repaid. Never ask for more than is owed.
5. One simple plan. The rest by a date, or a set amount each week or fortnight from a start date.
6. How to pay. For example a transfer to your account or PayID.
7. An open door. One line saying that if the plan does not suit them, you are happy to talk about another one.

Small instalments can help. The SA guide suggests asking why someone is slow to pay, and notes they may be able to pay part each month. It adds that there is no point asking for more than a person can reasonably afford.

The structure of the letter

This is the shape, not a fill-in template:

• Date and your name and contact details. So they know how to reply.
• Greeting. Their first name, as you would normally write to them.
• Subject line. Neutral and factual, such as the amount and the month of the loan.
• The loan. Date, amount, how it was paid and what was agreed.
• Repayments so far. Each one with thanks, then the balance still to repay.
• The plan. Your date or instalments, and how to pay.
• The open offer. Happy to talk about a different plan.
• Sign-off. Your name, and your phone number if you want a call.

Leave out guesses about why they have not paid and anything that sounds like a threat.

How to send it and what to keep

You can email it, post it or hand it over. Legal Aid NSW suggests keeping a copy and a record of where, when and how you delivered a letter.

Keep any reply. If they write back agreeing to a plan, the SA guide says to record a payment plan in writing so you both know how many payments there are and when they are due. Legal Aid NSW also says an agreement can be handwritten or typed and can list the amount, how it will be paid and instalment dates.

What happens next

Legal Aid NSW lists how someone might respond to a letter of demand: they agree and arrange to pay, deny it, ask for more information, offer a smaller amount, suggest mediation, or do nothing.

• They agree. Confirm the plan in writing and keep a note of each payment.
• They want a different plan. Talk it through. Legal Aid NSW says you can negotiate by talking, by letter or both.
• They say it was a gift, or deny it. Do not keep pressing. The SA guide warns against continuing to demand money from someone who denies it without looking into whether your claim is right. Check your records and talk it through.
• Silence. The SA guide suggests a polite follow-up call about a week after a letter of request.

If a friendly request and a follow-up do not work, the next step is a formal letter of demand. Legal Aid NSW describes that as a letter that warns a court case may follow. It also says it is really important to try to sort out a debt without court, because court takes time and costs money, and a person who loses a court case is usually ordered to pay the other side’s costs.

Time limits and free mediation by State

In NSW and South Australia there is a time limit on going to court over a debt, and free mediation is not offered the same way everywhere. This is what we read on official pages, as at November 2026:

The NSW details come from Legal Aid NSW’s going to court page. In other States and Territories, check with your State’s Legal Aid commission. If the loan is getting old, do not leave it.

Mistakes to avoid

The SA guide says strict rules apply to how you behave when pursuing a debt. Even between friends, keep it lawful and calm:

• Asking for more than is actually owed.
• Contacting their employer, friends, relatives or neighbours about the loan. The SA guide allows this only to get the person’s contact details.
• Mentioning criminal proceedings, or threatening court action you do not intend to take.
• Asking without the numbers. Vague requests are easy to ignore.
• Waiting years before asking.

Ask kindly, and in writing

A short, warm letter that sets out the loan and a simple way to repay it can be all it takes, and it keeps a clear record of what was lent and when. Claim Done can draft your friendly loan repayment request for A$29 from a few plain answers.